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On Trauma: Responsibility v. Blame
I was raped.”
I uttered these words as I fell forward, head in my hands, shaking on my therapist’s couch It took me a long to time to utter these words, let alone accept them. The word rape feels dirty. Like we are damaged, like there is something wrong with us that we would allow this to happen. 

For so long I justified the situation to myself in order to deny what happened  I compared myself to all the other images of society of someone who is raped. I believed for many years that it was my fault. I was the one that invited him to the party, I was the one that was so drunk and high. If I hadn’t let myself get so wasted this wouldn’t have happened. Is this true? Maybe… we could even say probably. And that still doesn’t mean that it’s my FAULT. There may be something for me to be responsible for.. but we can take responsibility for our part in a situation and not be to blame. Blame and responsibility are two very different things that are often collapsed in our culture and minds.

When working with clients, I often talk about this concept. It’s a tricky line to walk, one that must be done carefully and diligently. Not everyone is ready to have this conversation. Those of us that are not in the acceptance stage are not ready to have this conversation. People who are actively in a traumatizing situation are also not in the space to have this conversation.  You cannot safety process a situation you are currently being traumatized by. Safety must come first and you must be out of that situation before healing can begin.

However, for my friends that are ready, I encourage you to look at this with an open mind. It’s actually very empowering to take responsibility for your part in a situation. To be clear, for many of us, the ONLY responsibility we may have is that we allowed it to keep us small and control our lives for so long. This is also NOT to say that we were wrong because of this. We did what we needed to do to survive. And thank god for that. Of course a child that was molested was severely negatively impacted. It isn’t her fault, but with knowledge now it becomes her responsibility to heal. Now taking that on, that’s real power. 

This leads me to one of my favorite quotes,
Your wound is probably not your fault, but your healing is your responsibility.”
– Denice Frohman 

Whether we have trauma or not, taking responsibility for our life and healing our wounds is an empowering context to live our lives. It shifts us out of searching for others to blame, and we start to feel empowered by ourselves and what we can accomplish. I know this is a heavy topic, so for my friends that read all the way to the bottom of this post I appreciate you sticking in this. I would love to know your thoughts!

​with grace,