Therapy For Women Center

A Sex Therapist Answers: Why Am I Horny for Bridgerton?

Why is everyone so horny for Bridgerton?

When I was a tweenager, going to the movies was one of the main highlights of my social life. Every weekend, my best friend and I would choose which movie we would like to spend our money on. Her parents would drop us off if mine picked us up. Once or twice, we would sneak into a second movie, believing it was the most scandalous thing we could do.

I was a tween in the early aughts–the height of the chick flick genre. I saw them all. And, I was a voracious reader at that time, devouring my older sister’s chick lit during the week, and watching pretty women fall in love with pretty, and often problematic, men on the weekends. Somewhere along the way into my teenage years and early 20s, it became uncool to believe in romance. It got to the point in college where I’d convinced myself that romance made me uncomfortable. Give me sex and situationships and I could pretend with the rest of them that, “I like you but I don’t want a girlfriend,” was enough for me.

The Something Changed

Halfway through graduate school, a friend of mine recommended that I try reading a contemporary romance novel for fun. She wanted my opinion on the neurodivergent main character exploring sexuality. I went into it with a purpose and came out with a renewed love for romance and reading.

I’m not sure why I was so reluctant to dive into Bridgerton. But, I allowed season one and all of its fanfare to pass without a second thought. It was never even on my queue. Fast forward to season two’s premiere and I finally stopped trying to be too cool for historical romance. What started as a, “Fine, I’ll give it a shot,” response to my sister begging me to watch it, turned into a weekend binge of seasons one and two, barely leaving my bed between episodes. I came out of a haze on Monday morning, feeling like I had experienced a fever dream of gentlemen and ladies brushing noses and sneaking longing glances. So, what is it about Bridgerton that gets us going? Why do the stories and characters draw us in?

Yearning. Anticipation. Tension.

After becoming a romance connoisseur, I learned there are several tropes and everyone has their feelings on their favorite trope. Season two dropped and it pictured an exquisite “enemies to lovers” story. Not only enemies to lovers, but forbidden. Eight episodes filled with heavy breathing, a brush of hands, grazing noses, getting so close to satisfaction and having to teeter on the edge and wait! What is it about yearning, anticipation, and tension that is so sexy?

Sexual tension is everything leading up to the act of sex (whatever sex might look like for you). It often happens when we desire someone but we do not act on those desires. It can often feel like butterflies or a spark. In my sex therapy circles, we sometimes refer to it as “a tingle.”

Feeling seen and understood can create safety and increases sexual chemistry.

So much of Bridgerton season two relies on eye contact, one of the key signs of sexual attraction, a window to the soul. While holding eye contact can feel and be very vulnerable during intimate moments, it can trigger the release of the pleasure hormone, dopamine, creating excitement and happiness. Watching Kate and Anthony engage in moments of longing felt like being part of it.

The use of camera angles and choreography made it easy to imagine being on the other end of a look of desire and need. Since Bridgerton season two aired March, I’ve assigned several clients the homework of watching Bridgerton and paying attention to signs of arousal. One of my clients, (whom I received permission to use a conversation we participated in during one session) stated that watching Kanthony interact made her realize that she wanted to feel desired and respected.

We discussed how Anthony respected Kate but made it known that she was on his mind, infiltrating his thoughts. We dove in further, dissecting how frustrating and difficult it can be to exist in a world where men aren’t taught or given permission to voice their desire and need for a woman in a way that is respectful and hot. This opened up a larger discussion on how women are not taught to prioritize their pleasure and desire, but that’s a conversation for another blog post.

Bridgerton was created for a woman’s gaze.

Something our culture and society hasn’t prioritized for women historically. This is my theory on why Bridgerton made everyone so horny and excited. It mixed erotica with romantic context and created something enjoyable but relatable. Most people long to be seen, heard, and accepted for the parts of them that are incredible, and also the parts that are flawed.

Looking for a therapist or unsure where to begin? Get started on our booking page.

Why It’s Important to Know Attachment Styles When Dating

Your Attachment Style Impacts Your Relationships

Do you know what your attachment style is? Have you ever found yourself saying, “I always pick the wrong person to date!” Well, you’re not alone. Your entire life is a combination of experiences that has led you to where you are today.

We are all born with our own innate qualities that develop through childhood and continue into our adulthood. But what the heck happens in that process? What has made us into the people we are today? To give an overarching answer- it’s our environment. However, when we take a closer look at our environment or system, we can see that it is comprised of our parents/caregivers, friends, school, work, religion, etc. etc. The attachment or experience we have with each one of these has morphed us into who we are today.

If I were to ask you right now, as you’re sitting here reading this blog post, “what are you like in a relationship?” What would you say? Are you more stand-offish? Do you like to play hard to get? Do you like to pursue your love interest? Are you constantly checking your phone to see if they messaged you? Are you interested in them and then all of the sudden not interested at all? Well, these are all responses to your own unique attachment style.

Our parents/caregivers, take part in developing our attachment style. So now let me ask you this- what type of relationship did you have with each parent individually? Was one parent more caring than the other? Were they hard on you? Did they “love” you too much? How did they discipline you? Too harshly? Not enough? Were they present? How did they handle you being upset? This is how your attachment style formed.

There are 4 types of attachment styles in adulthood:

1. Secure Attachment
2. Anxious Preoccupied Attachment
3. Dismissive Avoidant Attachment
4. Fearful Avoidant Attachment

The initial step to understanding why “I always pick the wrong person” is to identify and recognize your attachment style first. For example, if you answered “No” to my question on “were your parents present while you were growing up?” you might have developed either a Dismissive Avoidant Attachment, or Anxious Preoccupied Attachment. A DA and AP (abbreviated) attachment style oftentimes occurs in a chaotic upbringing.

For example, if your parents were not present (whether physically or emotionally) during your childhood, you may have decided that being close to someone is not worth it, and it’s better to be emotionally distant as to not get hurt (DA). This has led you to be more distant in relationships. On the other hand, you might have developed more of an “emotional hunger” towards people, which may have been caused by the emotional deprivation of your parents (AP). This then led you to become more the more pursuing one in relationships.

Closing Thoughts

No attachment style is “healthy” or “unhealthy,” but the question becomes, “is it sustainable?” If you’re dating someone with the same attachment style as you, great! You most likely will not have too much to be concerned about in terms of feeling safe and heard in your relationship. Now, what happens when a Dismissively Avoidant attached individual dates someone that is Anxiously preoccupied? Then we have a conflict. Could these two people work in a relationship? Absolutely. How? They both have to communicate their needs, and be able to respect each other’s boundaries.

If you are interested in learning more about this, or would like to work with a therapist that specializes in this, contact us or book an appointment.

Our Best Tips for Working from Home

A woman is drinking hot chocolate and working from home on her laptop

Is anyone else getting tired of working from home? Don’t get us wrong, we’re beyond grateful and privileged to have the opportunity to work from home, but we also know the how difficult it can be. That first couple of weeks in March where working from home was a novelty seemed like a dream… but now that we’re heading into the holiday season, we’re all a little (maybe more than a little) drained from staring at screens all day and working where we eat and sleep.

Our Best Work from Home Tips

Find ways to transition in and out of your work day. If you’re used to a commute, your adjustment period may be gone. Doing things to ease in and out of your day that symbolize you’re “going to work” or “coming home.” Leaving to go outside your front door & coming back inside – like you’re leaving for work (trust us on this one!)

2. Keep a calm space- organized, clean, with a candle lit and a huge water bottle nearby!

3. Schedule breaks and lunch and take them away from your work area. (It’s also nice to schedule breaks with coworkers/friends and talk about other things besides work!)

4. Create your own space. Even if it’s a small space in your home.

5. Having a comfortable desk or chair etc. makes a huge difference.

6. If your job relies on internet connectivity it can be worth it to spend extra money to get a signal booster– It makes a big difference in reducing our own anxiety about internet connectivity

7. Get dressed! Even though they can’t see your pants wearing pajamas every day isn’t good for the spirit

8. Still get up early enough to have a morning routine and have breakfast. It’s easy to just roll out of bed and turn on the computer, but get up and give yourself time to ease into the day.

9. Movement… this one is so important! Many of us went from walking to work, walking around at work, or even just standing more, to being completely sedentary. Get some movement in, even if it’s just a walk around the block or some gentle stretches.

Concluding Thoughts

We hope these work from home tips help you like they’ve helped us. When in doubt, remember these are unprecedented times and you are doing the best you can. Don’t beat yourself up. Give yourself and others grace and compassion.

If you have any other tips or tricks, let us know in the comments below! To learn more, contact us or book an appointment with one of our therapists.

How Yoga Can Help You Cope with Anxiety

The author discussing using yoga to cope with anxiety.

Since the start of the pandemic, my anxiety has gone way up. I’ve noticed it in my racing thoughts, my tense muscles, and my difficulty slowing down. As a therapist who speaks with the outside world, I know this is something a LOT of us have been experiencing!

The thing is, I’ve dealt with anxiety for a long time prior to this rollercoaster year. And I’ve played small because of anxiety. Anxiety for me has usually surfaced the most as response to living with chronic pain. Anxious thoughts involving catastrophizing, jumping to the worst possible outcome, assuming, generalizing, exaggerating, black & white thinking…

These are automatic negative thoughts that we all have.

A few examples for me have included…

“I’m always in pain and I’m always going to be in pain”
“Other people think you’re faking it”
“If I leave the house today I’m bound to be in pain so I’m just going to stay here”
“Might as well just stay in bed because it’s going to be bad if I get up”
“Ok you got up so now you have to push yourself and get everything done today”
“Don’t even try, you’re going to fail anyway”

All of these thoughts of course make me want to avoid the thing that makes me anxious (for example, leaving the house, or at times it’s just leaving the couch – because I fear pain getting worse). If I can’t KNOW I’ll be ok, then it’s too scary to try so I just won’t.

In other words, I avoid because being uncertain of the outcome is fear-inducing. Living in the present is hard. This doesn’t just have to be with chronic pain – it may be something different for you. What do YOU avoid because of fear, worry, the “what ifs”?

For me, the avoidance has kept me from living my life at times.

To cope, I return to the tools I’ve used for a long time. I have learned it’s not wise to stray too far from the basics, the things I know work. That is: the grounding work for my mind and body.

This looks like using my five senses, deep breathing, gentle yoga, meditation, rest, listening to my internal world of thoughts and emotions (and at times not listening to it – distracting myself from it), and slowing down to be present in this moment.

There are barriers to relaxation. Taking time to rest can feel uncomfortable and like a waste of time. It’s uncomfortable slowing down because we’ve forgotten how to relax with the world feeling so stressful these days.

As one client put it: during the pandemic, we’ve been in survival mode.

What I find comforting is knowing that even a little bit goes a long way. Even a few minutes of a relaxation activity (like yoga, mindfulness, deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or meditation) can get you started with feeling more balanced and grounded. These are all paths toward managing anxiety in a positive effective way. When we slow down our breath, we create calm in our bodies and find more space between our thoughts.

I have found relaxation to be a real gift to give myself during times of stress, but more importantly as an ongoing form of self-care and self-inquiry that offers me peace, pain relief, and a deep sense of calm.

How to Heal From Burnout without Breaking Down

If we can agree on anything these days I think it’s that most if not all of us are facing a degree of burnout. We’re in the midst of consuming information on horrific realities in our world on a daily basis, including (and unfortunately not limited to) the recent deaths of black and brown people, the ongoing police brutality against African Americans, and the COVID-19 pandemic. If we are experiencing a sense of exhaustion it’s understandable.

What is burnout?

Burnout is a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion. Our bodies are meant to handle short bursts of stress, not long term, which has been shown to have negative effects on the body. Ideally, stopping along the way to fill up your cup is what we’re after. This allows us to be preventative with burnout, and maintain a healthy quality of life day to day.

Taking action to look after ourselves is not always easy or even obtainable at times. Our goal is not to be perfect about self-care. It is to learn your personal style of handling stress and your emotions, become mindful of signs you are burning out, and add in coping skills and resources to help.

What Causes Burnout?

Burnout is caused by chronic stress, not stressors. Stressors are external such as financial problems, to-do lists, and the state of the world we’re in today; and stress is the neurological and physiological shift that happens in your body when you encounter stressors. The impact of stress shows up as physical, mental/emotional, and behavioral symptoms. We have to address the stress itself if we want to effectively treat burnout.

There are so many ways to “refuel” or “fill up your cup.” I know I have seen these messages and said them myself. However, there’s another piece I’d like to add into the conversation. It may sound basic, yet in practice, it’s profound. I’m talking about developing the skill of understanding and naming your emotions.

Have you been feeling things deeply lately? Yeah, me too. You may be experiencing emotions in a more extreme way right now. Learning how to identify specific emotions you are feeling bumps up your resiliency to be accepting of where you’re at in the moment– as opposed to getting down on yourself. When we slow down we can validate ourselves, explore the situation deeper, and respond effectively.

How to Heal

Understanding how to regulate your emotions in the moment helps lower your vulnerability to burnout. This is not to say refueling in physical, social, and other psychological ways is not important. Knowing yourself on an emotional level builds up a trusting of yourself, which builds self-love. The very first step to emotion regulation? Learning how to identify and feel an emotion.

How do we feel an emotion?
1. Observe your emotion. Step back and just notice. I like to imagine my emotion move through me like a wave. Not blocking it, not holding on. Observe yourself without adding anything extra (creating a story about it, jumping into the past or future, acting on it). If you can name the emotion, do it. If you’re not sure, it’s ok to guess.

2. Check in with your body. Notice where you are feeling emotional sensations, and then experience them as fully as you can. Continue observing yourself as you ride that wave.

3. Remember that you are not your emotion. You don’t necessarily have to act from an emotional place, although at times it may be appropriate. It can help to remember times you have felt different.

4. Practice self-compassion. Respect and don’t judge your emotion. Be willing to accept your state of mind right now. Practice loving your emotion, and yourself.

Concluding Thoughts

Addressing burnout means we need to shift our focus from outside to inside. We want to increase awareness of stressful emotions and anxiety so that we can better manage and control them. By adapting day-to-day tools to center your mind, slow down, and bring awareness and self-care to your heart and body, you can reduce your vulnerability to burnout.

Why We Love Virtual Therapy And Who Can Benefit

Women doing virtual therapy session at Therapy for Women Center

Originally utilized by the military, virtual therapy, is an online mental health counseling system that allows people to get therapy from anywhere. With more HIPAA compliant technology than ever, teletherapy is becoming more important than ever. Many insurances do not allow teletherapy. However, because our practice is out-of-network with insurances, anyone can engage in teletherapy!

Am I a candidate for virtual therapy?

Anyone with a working computer or smart phone that includes a webcam and has privacy is able to join for a teletherapy session. Recent studies show a higher rate of ‘burnout’ in the workplace where stress is easily mismanaged. Because many people are concerned with the number of hours they spend in their office, they oftentimes find themselves rushing to get home after a long tiring day.

Millenials currently comprise the majority of the U.S workforce. They often state that the concept of separation between work and free time doesn’t exist. If you feel that way, perhaps teletherapy is a good choice for you.

Some teletherapists are able to take health insurance, while others are private pay. The biggest issue with health insurance supporting the session is that some don’t cover teletherapy, but do cover face to face.

One thing most people don’t know is that when you see a therapist through your health insurance, that therapist is required to supply a diagnosis. Some people are hesitant with being ‘marked’ as something, so they oftentimes prefer to see a therapist through private pay.

Differences between Virtual Therapy and In Person

A recent survey of insured adults throughout the U.S. found that millennials were far more likely to express interest in telemedicine compared to prior generations.

For example, let’s say you live in an extremely remote location in the state of Pennsylvania, what are your chances of finding a therapist that meets your needs? Probably not so great. Teletherapy allows therapists to reach individuals living all over their state.

Teletherapy may not be an “alternative” to a traditional face-to-face care, but it is definitely effective and has many pros. It ensures comfortability. It allows people to sit in the comfort of their own home or office, while communicating via a mobile device or computer.

Another awesome advantage to teletherapy is giving your kids the option of being able to see someone without them needing a ride. I have been able to see adolescents through teletherapy, which has led parents to express how comfortable and easy it is for their child. This also gives the kid autonomy to plan their own schedule and meet up with the therapist whenever they need.

What if I am uncomfortable on the phone?

We get it, some of us get phone anxiety. Often we see this comes from trying to make sure there are no pauses or awkward silences. Or sometimes clients feel like they need to make sure their therapist feels okay. Try to remember, its your therapist’s job to create a comfortable environment. If you feel nervous or hesitant, let’s talk about it! Often talking about these concerns completely reduces the awkwardness and makes it easy to create conversation.

Like anything else, it may take a time or two for you to get comfortable with it. But most of our clients report that when they get in the groove, they sometimes forget we aren’t in person. If you don’t like eye contact, you don’t have to look us in the eye. If you don’t like seeing your face, feel free to put a post-it-note over yourself. There are lots of ways to make this option work for you!

What is Teletherapy like at Therapy for Women?

Before our session begins, we will have you fill out some paperwork so your therapist can learn a bit more about you prior to us meeting via the web. The paperwork will ask you some basic demographic questions like your first name, last name, birth date, age, occupation/school. Then it will also ask you some more personal questions too.

Once we meet, we typically go over all the paperwork you’ve completed and let you ask any questions you may have on it. During this time, we explain to you that anything you say here stays here unless we feel you may harm yourself or others. After that, we ask you to tell us about YOU. Your hobbies, family members, significant others (if relevant), occupation/school, support systems, and anything else you feel would be important for us to know about you.

Once we go over all of that, and we may find ourselves to be all over the place (which is extremely normal), I typically set aside the last 15 minutes of the session for you to tell me what brought you into therapy and what some of your goals are.

Concluding Thoughts

Therapy is not linear. Therapy is like a roller coaster with high highs and low lows, and also some looptyloops added in there. You may leave a session feeling relieved and ready to conquer the world. Or you may leave confused and unsure of what your next step is. We cannot stress this enough. Tat is completely normal!! You are a human being living on earth, and with that comes a ton of uncertainty.

Virtual therapy may not be right for everyone, but we are sure grateful to have the option. If you move, can’t make it into the office, teletherapy is an awesome alternative to coming into the office.

To learn more if its right for you contact us, or book your appointment today.