Therapy For Women Center

You Deserve Pleasure: Virginity is a Social Construct

For the sake of this post, I am discussing the heteronormative, penis-vagina intercourse ideology of virginity and sex.

Lately, with many of my clients, I’ve been relating experiences to my favorite problematic structure, The Patriarchy. I’ve referred to it as my party trick or my version of “Six degrees of separation to Kevin Bacon” because I can always find a way to link the flaws of our society to The Patriarchy.

It’s worth saying again: virginity is a social construct.

Cue the eye rolls, the “radical feminist” sneers, and the jokes. I get it. But for real, it is, just as gender is a social construct. So, what does “social construct” mean? It’s something we’ve made up. It isn’t tangible– it’s a story or an idea created by society. Social structures are how humans make sense of our existence.

The idea of virginity dates back to a primitive era when paternity was essential to maintaining control and ownership of land. This ownership meant ownership of women, and in order to ensure one had ownership, one needed control. And to control, there also had to be fear of consequence. The policing of women’s bodies further intensified when Mariology emerged (the study of Mary, Mother of Jesus, the Blessed Mother, and The Virgin Mary, the most revered feminine figure in Christianity, particularly Catholicism).

Historically, virginity made girls more valuable.

Potential husbands would pay more to fathers of girls and women who remained pure, linking their worth to monetary gain. The link to worth remains in the present day. As we grow up, we learn about virginity as something that you lose. There’s a piece of you that belongs to someone else forever. And, you can never have that piece of you back. However, remaining a virgin makes you worthy, desirable, and good. If you’re not good, you’re bad. A chewed-up piece of gum, an old sock, and a piece of food passed around the room. Who wants to eat the food after everyone’s touched it? On the even more extreme side of honor and expectation, girls and women are still killed or mutilated to pay for the sins they’ve committed for not remaining pure. We are told abstinence is the only path to take if one wants to be wanted and loved.

Boys learn that virginity is something they take.

Jessica Valenti writes in her book, The Purity Myth, we are into “idolizing virginity as a stand-in for women’s morality.” For those who have not grown up in religious purity culture (virginity balls, engagements to fathers as a promise of saving oneself for marriage), you’re either a virgin or a slut. Oh, and if you ENJOY sex and find PLEASURE in it (a human right), you’re definitely a slut.

To be a slut means you have no morality and no self-respect. And, you’re dangerous because others can’t control you. This is why women, who for centuries have been shamed into being ‘good’ and ‘pure,’ have been taught to fear sex. Because who doesn’t like dangerous women? The Patriarchy. For generations we have learned to look a certain way and act a certain way, because if a man doesn’t want you? You’re worth nothing.

If we only knew how good pleasure could be, the opportunities we could have, and the people we could experience. Instead, we are stripped of our rights, and our bodies are policed and exploited.

I encourage my clients to take back the pleasure they deserve.

Much of this work looks like breaking down old scripts and discussing what we would prefer our sexual experiences to look like. This might begin with talking about our bodies, relationships, beliefs, fears, and desires. But all of it includes exploration and the understanding that we belong to ourselves and ourselves only. This means we cannot lose a part of ourselves to anyone when we are all worthy of experiencing pleasure and connection.

Looking for a therapist or unsure where to begin? Get started on our booking page or contact us.

More Than a Body: A New Approach to Eating Disorders

If you struggle with an eating disorder or have a difficult relationship with your body. Fitness may be a complicated piece of your life. It may be tied to changing your body or looking a different way. Keep reading to learn how one our therapists changed her relationship with her body and learned she was more than a body through acceptance.

I sought after a body I could never have; it’s just not in my build.

Treadmills and ellipticals turned into spin class, which turned into Zumba, kickboxing, and mixed yoga. Intermittently, I tried pole dancing and swimming, but nothing clicked until I stepped into a CrossFit gym. For the first time, CrossFit changed the voices in my head from begging me to get smaller and smaller into voices telling me to lift heavier, go faster, and be stronger. Those voices saved my life.

I was headed toward destruction before I discovered lifting, destroying my body in one way or another, constantly at war with it. CrossFit is how I connected with my husband. It’s also changed my relationship with my body and food, seeing it as fuel and energy. I was pretty good at it, too, so the accomplishment-driven athlete in me, the inner child who was always decent but never great, felt like I got a do-over.

But Covid-19 changed all of that. As a therapist, I experienced suffering on a level apart from my own and held that space for people. That type of emotional intensity is draining. Sooner or later something had to give in order for me to do this work and continue leading a healthy, balanced life. It had to be my dedication to CrossFit.

A massive shift in identity for me; CrossFit had been foundational. It changed the trajectory of my life. But the energy I was spending and how I was training needed to be more sustainable. I still loved the way it made me feel, the community.

Still, I had to start implementing other practices of maintaining movement.

I chose yoga, not for a workout but for a yin, meditative recovery, more like a pause for my brain, forced into mindfulness and presence. I also walked alone, with my dog, and sometimes with friends. As a result, fitness had gone from punishment to my body for not being “perfect” to a celebration of dedication, hard work, and strength, to now what? Just a piece of my life? (yes) Something that didn’t completely define me as an extension of my body and was done just because it made me feel good? (Yes) If this isn’t who I am, then what? (Oh, the possibilities!)

Slowly I began to heal my eating disorder and my relationship with my body. I started to realize I had a body but was more than a body.

What a strange experience to reconnect with a body that I’d been obsessed with for over 20 years. I don’t think I ever realized that I could be someone people genuinely see outside my body. Years and years and years of different therapists, some not so great, some wonderful, finally helped me understand that people genuinely don’t only love you for your body.

How Eating Disorders Take Root

I’ll list some things that helped me realize how I had become so obsessed. Maybe it will help you too:

Minimize body checking. I no longer have a huge mirror in my room, and I’ve stopped staring at and pinching the parts of me I dislike. I’ve also stopped weighing myself. This helped a lot with disordered eating.

Stop hanging out with people who make you feel like shit about your body. Hang out with people who do more than talk about their bodies. Instead, hang out with people who value you for who you are, not what you look like.

Get rid of those clothes you’ve been holding onto that “might fit again.” Buy clothes that fit you. If a shoe doesn’t fit your feet, you don’t blame your feet. You blame the shoe. So, go buy some new jeans.

Unfollow social media accounts that make you question or compare. Follow accounts that match your values and interests. Better yet, minimize your online time! (Pot meet Kettle)

Listen to your body. Do you need to break a sweat? Stretch a little? Scream into the void? Perhaps you need a bit of rest (real rest). Your body does hold onto trauma. It’s not something your therapist says to make you feel better. Often, trauma shows itself in physical ways. Don’t force yourself through pain. Learn to rest. This will teach you to recognize you are more than a body.

Learning to see yourself as more than a body is challenging.

Learn about The Patriarchy. Because The Patriarchy is how we’ve learned what to value in ourselves. This includes what beauty standard we follow and how we should be sexually performative for men’s pleasure but feel shame for our own. The more we obsess over our bodies or learn to make ourselves smaller, the less time we have for other ventures. This easily can become an eating disorder if left unchecked.

The diet industry makes a ton of money off of the patriarchal views of what beauty is. The diet industry shames us and sets us up for failure, causing us to continue to try the next thing, fueling capitalism. Yes, people make money from making us feel like shit about our bodies. Yes, they are doing it knowingly.

Learning to see yourself for more than a body is challenging. It’s a choice every single day to question and challenge, but it is worth it.

Looking for a therapist or unsure where to begin? Get started on our booking page.

How to Overcome Stigma, Reclaim Pleasure and Use Toys with Partners

I remember the first time I used sex toys in front of a partner.

I’d been using an old back massager since I was about 12 years old, discovering pretty young that it felt good (probably thanks to blurry images of the Spice channel I’d sneakily watched after begging to stay home from school).

It was my junior year of undergrad, and I’d been sleeping with the same guy for a while. He was curious about exploring sex and this was the first time I’d ever allowed someone to watch me masturbate. I can still remember the shame I felt afterward, the embarrassment, and the worry that I would scare him off. While he and I were toxic for many reasons, showing him how I liked to get off opened a door for us.

We started dipping our toes into kink, consensual non-consent, and discussions about what turned us on. It was the first time I was able to have these conversations with someone without feeling like something was wrong with me. After going to a Catholic college, while it was more liberal and progressive than most, I still often felt like I was walking around with a scarlet letter pinned to my chest. I wanted to “take back” the word slut. These were MY choices and if I stepped into the role, nobody could hurt me. While it took a few years and several therapists to understand that I was still seeking external validation that I was desirable and “good enough,” this was the first time that sex was actually fun for me. I wasn’t just trying to please someone else; I was experiencing mutual pleasure for the first time in my life.

A later boyfriend scoffed when I asked to use sex toys together.

He couldn’t understand why I would need a vibrator or a dildo when he was right there, willing and ready. I didn’t have the knowledge or language to explain why I wanted to incorporate toys. And I again felt shamed into believing that something was wrong with me if I had better orgasms on my own. There was a part of me that was cloaked in darkness, hiding itself, afraid to be seen and judged. This part of me wasn’t new. It had been with me for a long time, coming out to remind me to make myself smaller, take up less space, be less weird, be quieter. This part of me was full of the universal human experience of shame.

Every week, someone comes into my office fearing they are the only ones who experience this feeling, not realizing that we are biologically wired to feel shame. If it’s so universal, how do we overcome the crushing weight of it all? The first step is to talk about it. Talking about shame takes its power away. When someone else can see your shame and accept you despite it, the shame begins to shrink, little by little. This is why talking to a therapist is different from talking to a friend. We are trained to see your shame without judgment, and to help you step into the light.

The type of men who feel intimidated by sex toys don’t tend to be the most educated around sex and pleasure.

I’m going to make a generalization here, but men in this area tend to have a black-and-white view of gender roles. They, too, have been victims of the patriarchal constraints of expectations and pressure. The same ones I yell about on Instagram. But if a vibrator intimidates a man, his ego is more important than your pleasure, full stop. I wish I could walk around with a sign that reads, “Toys are your teammates, not your opponent.”

The idea that sex toys are a replacement for a partner or only for couples struggling with sex is false, heteronormative, and ableist. Queer relationships tend to have higher levels of sexual satisfaction than cishet relationships for many reasons. But, one factor I’d like to point out is the toxic masculinity that seeps its way into cishet relationships. As humans, we all have egos. But the cultural lens of “what a man should be like” is deeply ingrained into our relationships and, therefore, our sex lives. I see this interfering with sexual performance all the time, and often, that’s what it is for men: a performance. If a machine “replaces” their chance to demonstrate their worth as a man, what does that mean for them?

Initially, back in the 1880s, vibrators were “marital aids.”

They were used on women labeled with “hysteria,” a medical diagnosis exclusive to women suffering from a wide array of symptoms, including sexual desire and a “tendency to cause trouble.” It wasn’t until the 1970’s that vibrators became a symbol of empowerment for women, taking back what should have always been ours–our pleasure.

Now, when my clients or girlfriends mention interest in toys but worry that their cisgender male partners will feel some type of way about it, I’m excited to discuss all of the opportunities sex toys bring into relationships. Toys allow us to slow down and truly enjoy pleasing our partners instead of “getting in and out” or checking a box to show we’ve fulfilled a relationship duty. Sex toys can act as a gateway to more profound pleasure and intimacy. They facilitate more communication around needs, desires, and preferences, or even things you’d rather NOT incorporate into your sex life. I cannot stress how important communication is when it comes to sex and pleasure. Even opening a path to discussing new ways to please each other can lead to deeper conversations and connections.

P.S. One of my favorite dates to assign to couples…

is exploring a sex shop or visiting an online store together. I ask them to learn what types of toys exist and note what sparks their interest. Even TARGET is carrying sex toys now! Here are some of my favorite places:

In the Philadelphia area: The Velvet Lily, Pleasure Chest, Passional Boutique & Sexploratorium, Spice2Nite

Online: Dame, Bellesa, We-Vibe, Lelo, Lovehoney, Good Vibrations, Babeland, The Natural Love Company, Betty’s Toy Box

Please make sure to do your research on body-safe materials and purchase quality toys. Check out this article from Bellesa Boutique to get started!

Looking for a therapist or unsure where to begin? Get started on our booking page.

Hygge: A New Approach to SAD Season

Have you heard of the word Hygge? It is a Danish word that loosely means to get cozy and embrace the cold weather.

If you struggle with seasonal affective disorder like us, hygge is a great approach. It is easy to forget how hard SAD can hit us. Fall turns into winter so quickly and when daylight savings time ends, we can plummet into depression. If you feel dread you aren’t alone. Keep reading to learn a new approach for how to deal with the winter blues.

Seasonal Affective Disorder can feel easy to delay at first with all of the distractions.

First comes planning fall activities and participating in spooky season- throwing on a comfy sweater and watching Halloween for the millionth time. Then come the holidays- decorations light up dark evenings, and Netflix releases an onslaught of corny movies with actors from our childhood falling in love. The promise of newness and a clean slate soon stares us down as we ring in the New Year.

But then… it’s just darkness. Cold and dreary days with dirty snow-lined streets, no longer filled with the magic of holiday spirit. It is only the first few weeks of fall, and I’m already dreading these long winter days.

If you are like us and have tried every trick in the book, it may be time to try something new.

This year, try something different.

Due to the months of darkness in Norway, Sweden, and Denmark, Scandinavians are experts at making winter less miserable. They’ve decided to lean into the darkness and cold and find comfort in the little things that bring joy. I’ve been reading more about this practice called hygge. The Danish concept, pronounced hoo-guh, has no direct translation to English, but its closest descriptor would be “cozy.”

Imagine a cabin off the grid lit with fairy lights and candles, giving a soft, warm glow. In the corner is a mountain of blankets and pillows to snuggle up and watch a movie in. There’s warm bread in the oven and a fire crackling while you’re wrapped in your favorite sweater and slippers. I’m often reminded of how Taylor Swift’s album Folklore made me feel when it first came out. During the dark days of winter 2020, we’d light candles and take steaming hot showers in the dark while listening to the soft, relatable music that warmed my heart.

As therapists, a great deal of the work we do is helping people learn to experience the present moment. While staying present can be really scary and anxiety-inducing, it’s also where the magic happens. Being present is how we experience joy and pleasure. Pleasure in the food we are eating, the company we are keeping, and the memories we are making. Hygge is more of a feeling than a word. It’s about the experience, getting lost in the moment, and being content by experiencing simplicity with intentional interaction and gratitude.

Hygge is mindfulness in everyday actions.

So this year, try not to resist the season. Along with continuing the usual recommendations try to lean into the comfy, cozy attitude of hygge. It will be all fuzzy socks and blankets, moisturizers, mugs of tea, warm lights, feel-good books, TV, and comfort food.

Just like the Earth, our bodies have seasons. This winter, if your body tells me it’s time to slow down or say no and stay inside, stop beating myself up for not being able to “beat” the darkness. Go light a candle, listen to some TSwift, throw a flannel on, and re-watch your favorite comfort show.

I hope you’ll join us! Check out the following book recommendations to learn more how to embrace the season and combat seasonal affective disorder.

The Little Book of Hygge: The Danish Way to Live Well by Meik Wiking

The Hygge Game – Cozy Conversation In Pleasant Company

The Hygge Activity Book For All Seasons

Looking for a therapist or unsure where to begin? Contact us, or get started on our booking page.

Why Do We Love Taylor Swift and How Does Her Music Impact our Mental Health?

It’s interesting to grow up with Taylor Swift and experience various milestones and heartbreaks along with her. Folklore and Evermore were incredibly important to me. So, the folky, soft lyrics that felt like warm candlelight became a source of comfort and helped me get through the darkest parts of COVID-19. I never anticipated that her new album, Midnights, would resonate so profoundly with me too. Now I ask everyone I know, “Have you listened? What are your top three favorite tracks?”

This is my personality for the next few weeks, so please bear with me…

What is it about Taylor Swift that resonates with us so deeply? As a sex and couples therapist, I feel that Taylor provides a therapeutic tool for understanding our emotions. Admitting that you still have strong feelings about a past relationship can be taboo. But the reality is intimate relationships change and shape us. Sex and love are essential parts of our identity. It would be nearly impossible to differentiate who we are as people without the relationships we experience. Taylor sings freely about heartbreak, allowing us to express our feelings without feeling guilt or shame. From a therapeutic standpoint, she provides a perfect platform for us to identify and express these feelings with words.

Taylor has also long provided insight into heartbreak, betrayal, and yearning. Red was an album for the sad girly in all of us. “Forgetting him is like trying to know somebody you never met.” When we share parts of ourselves with others, we share the good and the bad. We share the parts of us we might want to forget and the parts that we want to celebrate. Everyone wants to be seen, heard, and loved for who they are at their core. Good or bad, falling in love requires vulnerability. That part of us is why we make certain decisions, have specific desires, communicate our needs, or don’t. To experience love at its most intimate is to bare ourselves to the person we seek that deep connection with.

All Too Well returned with a vengeance this year.

All Too Well (Taylor’s version, the 10-minute one) reminds us of feeling sure that we had found the person who made us feel like enough. When it ended, we were left wondering, “did the twin flame bruise paint you blue, just between us did the love affair maim you too”? In other words, was I the only one to experience this hurt? Did you ever care about me the way I did you? I’ve heard countless clients (and my own brain) wonder why it seemed so easy for their ex to move on. Feeling like a “crumpled up piece of paper” and just wanting reassurance that we were significant enough to be sad over.

Before diving into her new album, I want to highlight some of the Taylor Swift lyrics that stick with me personally and professionally. In her song “Better Man,” Taylor sings, “I know why we had to say goodbye like the back of my hand, but I just miss you, and I wish you were a better man.” How many of us have ended a relationship, looked back, and wished things could be different? The if onlys pile up. Why is it essential for us to acknowledge that these feelings are widely experienced and familiar? Because knowing we aren’t alone is validating.

The lyrics in Mastermind continue to reverberate in my brain.

“No one wanted to play with me as a little kid, so I’ve been scheming like a criminal ever since to makethem love me and make it seem effortless.” I’ve spent 15 years in therapy trying to erase the hurt I felt as a child who experienced bullying and struggled with my body, sex, friends, and identity. As an adult, I’ve made many mistakes in relationships. I’d be lying if I didn’t play “Would’ve, Could’ve, Should’ve” more times than I can count already, scream-singing, “I regret you all the time.”

With the release of Midnights, there has been much commentary on how Taylor Swift presents herself to the world.

She has even stated that she sometimes doesn’t feel like a person, as if her life isn’t hers. As a therapist, I see in her lyrics the struggle of working through years of trauma. Work that we don’t have the right to see or understand. She doesn’t owe us any explanations–she is allowed to be human. I’ve seen posts about Taylor singing about an ex from over a decade ago and how she needs to move on. This music is where I see the beauty in someone allowing us to feel raw over moments that changed us.

For those who have done trauma work in therapy or who are trauma-informed, Taylor Swift lyrics might not feel groundbreaking. Still, for those who work with people and know how our bodies and minds respond to trauma and pain, Taylor gives us a voice. She gives us something to turn toward and say, “See?? You’re not crazy! Your feelings are valid, and you are not alone.”

Looking for a therapist or unsure where to begin? Get started on our booking page.

Accepting My Queerness: Bisexual Awareness Week

It’s been almost a year since I decided to get bangs. My esthetician told me I could rock a shag, a look I thought I couldn’t pull off because I wasn’t gay enough or cool enough. I’d be a poser. People would talk about me and say I look bad.

My whole life had been dictated by being liked, well-received, and good. I was a rule follower and highly motivated by accomplishment and praise. I wanted others to see and acknowledge me. But, I grew tired of being afraid of what people would say or think. So I got bangs. I also weighed myself for the last time, something I’d been doing obsessively for as long as I can remember.

Many things led to a deeper exploration and expression of my bisexual identity, but the bangs were important.

I’ve heard that your twenties are for making mistakes and learning, while your thirties are when you start to enjoy life. While my thirties have started tumultuously, given the pandemic, climate change, and the fact that I live in my childhood home with my parents and husband, it’s surprisingly been true.

Sexuality has always been something people identified with me- sometimes in a positive way, but the negatives stood out. When I entered grad school in a human sexuality program, I felt like an imposter. Yes, imposter syndrome is common amongst grad students, but it was more profound. I felt like I didn’t belong because I wasn’t smart enough. I suddenly felt like I knew nothing about the human sexual experience. And, I realized my mind wasn’t as open as I had always believed because I hadn’t asked enough questions or explored enough about myself.

Talking to people is such an essential piece of my life that I had to become a better communicator. To become a better communicator, I had to begin questioning myself. How do I show up in my relationships? How do I communicate my needs? I wanted to be able to help others learn to do these things as a therapist, but I also had to work really hard. It took cutting off a toxic relationship and leaving a toxic job to start showing up the way I wanted to in life.

So, I began conversations about what it means to be a human.

I realized how individualized the human experience is. Working at Trader Joe’s, I met many queer friends who validated my feelings around my identity and how I saw myself. But I still didn’t feel comfortable identifying as a queer person until after I became a therapist.

Bangs were a crucial moment in my life because it felt like I was finally stepping into myself, my style, my expression, and my sexuality. I stopped wearing as much makeup when I didn’t feel like it. I began to wear whatever I wanted, exploring a more masculine side of my personal style. And I started saying what was on my mind.

I began posting on social media again without fear.

After years of being shamed for oversharing, attention seeking, and being authentically myself, I began posting on social media again without fear. I love connecting with people. I love speaking out about being a highly sensitive person who cares a lot about a lot of stuff. I’m someone who has a story for any topic. Being a therapist, helping my clients question the systems, their relationships, and how they communicate their needs and desires has helped me do the same for myself. Finally, I’m surrounding myself with people who truly honor the same values and beliefs, question things, and show up as their authentic selves. That is how I can continue showing up and being the authentic version of Melanie I’ve always wanted to be.

Most importantly, I stopped apologizing for being myself. I started openly identifying as queer.

I’m lucky that I was raised to be accepting of others and grew up with an open mind regarding sexuality. I think that’s why it was so confusing for me to realize in my late twenties that I wasn’t straight or an ally–I was bisexual, and I always have been. Bi-erasure existed in my world in ways that I wasn’t even aware of. I thought it was 50/50, and I’d never dated anyone who wasn’t a man, so how could I ever take on this identity? Especially an identity often presented as being confused?

Accepting my queerness has allowed me to flourish in ways I never imagined. I hope to continue making this world more comfortable and safe for others to explore themselves. I see you and acknowledge you.

For more information about #BiWeek and other resources, check out the Bisexual Resource Center.

Looking for a therapist or unsure where to begin? Get started on our booking page.